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Archive for the ‘IBS’ Category

I’ve been getting some strange search strings lately, or just some plain dumb ones. I wish I could answer them in retrospect. Like to the person who googled, “pain in tooth that was just filled.” Honey, it is going to hurt for a little while. It just got drilled. It needs a chance to settle down. Don’t worry about it. Take Advil. That stuff is great for dental pain.

Someone else googled ‘smartest dog ever.’ Fortunately, this time coming to my site gave them the answer they are looking for right away: my dog.

Some wants ‘real life people who converted religions.’ I don’t quite get this. Real life people? As opposed to fictional? Because, frankly, it is way easier to come up with actual human beings than fictional ones. Maybe they meant us average joes rather than famous people like, uh, Sammy Davis Jr.

Some guy (I’ll assume it was a guy) wants ‘mom’s breasts.’ I can only guess he wants his own mom’s breasts, although how the internet is supposed to know who his mom is, I am not sure. But if he wanted someone else’s mom’s breasts, why didn’t he just search for ‘breasts’ alone?

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Even weirder than people who google their way to me is the stuff I manage to follow out, like the link to one FMS web page that talked about ‘colonix.’ Curious as to what this is, I googled it myself. Well! Apparently there really is no shame in the land of the internet.

I’ll save you the links, for the faint of heart. For those less faint, it shouldn’t be hard to find. Turns out that a lot of people are very worried about being constipated and so some guy (now lots of them) came up with a ‘cleansing system’ that requires lots of fiber, laxatives and herbal teas. You can juice and fast too, if you’d like. Of course, people have been doing this for centuries, but the twist one guy came up with is the idea that, thanks to our sluggish systems, bogged down by our unhealthy Western diet, our colons are becoming lined with a thick layer of something one of them coined ‘mucoid plaque’ – basically shit that just sticks around forever, releasing harmful toxins into our systems and making us sick.

That concept has a certain appeal. If you feel crappy, take this stuff and shit out all your illness. I might have even considered it had I not had that lovely barium enema last year to try to figure out what was up with me. Already chronically constipated, I had to drink this hideous, horrible laxative which basically has one on the can until you are shitting water. I was a bit concerned I wasn’t empty enough, as my body was more resistant to the laxative than it was supposed to be, so the techie kindly took some pictures to check and pronounce my guts pink and squeaky clean.

Here’s the thing about the colonix people – after they give themselves the runs for a while, they start to shit out weird stuff, ropey gross stuff. They are convinced this is the ‘mucoid plaque.’ But if anyone was likely to have such a thing in them it’d be me, and nothing of the sort showed up when I scrubbed my insides clean. Of course, I wasn’t using those expensive colonix things, which contain lots of fiber and clay and stuff that might possibly bond together in one’s guts and come out in a big lumpy pile and convince the gullible and vulnerable that they are ridding themselves of long-held toxic poop.

Here’s the weirdest part: there are many, many people out there – a whole sub-culture – who decided to ‘cleanse’ themselves and then blog about it. Every single day, they write down how many times they pooped, when and what the poop was like. And, best of all, they take pictures! Some of them have entire picture galleries devoted to the products of their butts! I have come across a lot of weird stuff on the internet, but this really ranks right up at the top.

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Did you know that way more women than men have Irritable Bowel Syndrome? Want to know why? I have a little story to illustrate exactly why.

I have IBS, and right now my bowels have gone on strike. Fibre, stool softeners, lots of water, oatmeal – nothing will get them moving. Right now, everyone is out beside me and Boo. She was watching TV. I decided that it might be a good time to go and sit and see if I could encourage action (if you had told me when I was a teenager that I’d be discussing such things in such a public forum, I’d have been mortified).

Anyway, I collected the newspaper and went upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door. That’s right, folks. I locked the door. I placed a physical barrier between myself and the other living things in my house.

Of course, the silent alarm went off, alerting Boo and Jasper, who were downstairs in the basement watching Dora together. They were upstairs in a shot. Jasper settled down right outside the door and stuck his nose up to the crack at the bottom and snuffled. Boo told me she had to pee immediately, but needed my help because of her dress. I told her she’d just have to go to the other bathroom and give it a go herself.

She came back wailing, claiming to have hit her knee. Oh, the screams. Is it bleeding? I asked. She told me she couldn’t see if it was bleeding, because if she leaned over to look, she would fall down.

At least the screaming blotted out the sounds of Jasper’s pathetic snuffling. I still got tired of it pretty quickly.

It escalated. In quick succession, her stomach hurt, she was too hot but couldn’t get the dress off, she was too cold, and she was hungry. All required wailing and rattling at the doorknob. Jasper decided to help out by scratching along.

Nature chose not to call.

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