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Okay, I don’t have all the answers, but this is a column I wrote for the Jewish newspaper, for which I did journalisty things like research and interview people, so it is my take on things. The most difficult part of it was keeping my own experiences out of it, so maybe I’ll write those up tomorrow (or the next day …)

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In some ways, it is difficult to discern how the broader Jewish community views those who have converted to Judaism. Of course, there is the ‘official’ line, but finding out what people really think can be more difficult. It seems that the best way to find that out is to ask the Jews by choice themselves how they feel they have been welcomed in their chosen religion.

Both the Torah and Talmud instruct that once someone has converted, they are as Jewish as any other, to the point that their conversions are considered irrelevant and not to be referred to. They are not ‘converts,’ but merely ‘Jews.’ But Jewish experiences in the diaspora before the last few decades made Jews very suspicious of those wanting to join them, and there is some evidence that the suspicion hasn’t completely disappeared.

It doesn’t help that Judaism is more than just a religion, but a culture, even an ethnicity. Some – both those converting and born Jewish – question the possibility of successfully joining someone else’s culture.

Add to that the controversy over who does the conversion, that the Orthodox movement does not accept conversions performed by those of other movements, and the question of acceptance is of real concern.

Every Jew by choice interviewed for this article remembers facing negative comments about those who have converted. Ironically, these almost always came from people who did not realize that they were speaking to a convert. Many Jews by choice find it easy to dismiss such remarks, and the people who make them.

Michael Walsh, a Jew by choice whose volunteer work in development in the Jewish community brings him in contact with a wide variety of people, says he has always felt completely welcomed and accepted. He has heard the occasionally disparaging remark, he admits, but says, “The key is to not be sensitive to stupid comments. They don’t represent the wider community.”

He also points out: “It is a glass-half-full kind of thing. You will find what you are looking for.” He explains that he believes those expecting acceptance are more likely to find it.

Another Jew by choice, Wayne Moore, said something similar. He feels you get out of life what you put in, and someone who converts with sincerity and immerses themselves in the community will be fully welcomed.

About the occasional unpleasant comment, Moore says, “No one else’s reactions really matter. I did this for myself. I have a supportive wife and extended family and they are the ones who matter.” That being said, he feels completely accepted by the Ottawa Jewish community. “I have always found it very warm and welcoming.”

While Walsh and Moore haven’t found that their decisions to convert for their Jewish families has made their acceptance any more complicated, Christine Kessler admits she sometimes feels judged by those who think she converted to marry her husband, Gary, a born Jew. She finds this a bit frustrating, especially as she had decided to convert whether she married Gary or not.

The mere fact that Kessler and some others who converted before marriage feel the need to point out that they would have ended up Jewish anyway demonstrates that there is still some stigma around converting ‘just to get married.’ Another Jew by choice, who we’ll call Sara, as she declined to be named for this article, describes her deep frustration and hurt at being asked a number of times if she’d stay Jewish should her husband leave her or die.

“It shows they don’t consider me really Jewish,” she said, “Like I’m just playing at it for my husband.”

Sara was not the only convert who not willing to be named. Their opinion was that while they weren’t ashamed of it and would tell people if they asked, it just isn’t anyone’s business and they see no reason to advertise it.

Sara says the worst comments are the unintentional ones, such as when she told a good friend a Jewish joke. “It was self-deprecating, as they tend to be, the sort that might be considered anti-Semitic if someone Jewish wasn’t saying it, and he said that it made him uncomfortable to hear it from me, since I hadn’t always been Jewish. It made me realize that even though I sometimes even forget I haven’t been born Jewish no one else does, and that really hurt.”

It is possible that those who convert for faith alone rather than to marry someone Jewish manage to avoid some of these feelings of being judged. David M. is a good example. He says he has never felt any negative judgment about having converted, although he does admit that, upon finding out he did it just on his own, people do tend to ask, “What, are you nuts?”

“They are always joking, though,” he adds. “I do think that not converting for marriage does add to the perception of my sincerity, since I came to it completely on my own. Which is not a fair judgment about people who convert to marry, of course.”

Interestingly, the most obvious source of potential rejection – converting under a non-Orthodox rabbi – had little effect on the non-Orthodox Jews by choice who were interviewed for this article. While some kept within their own smaller Reform community, others are fully involved in the wider community and have found the rabbis of Ottawa to be completely welcoming.

While obviously Orthodox rabbis do not consider these Jews by choice to be Jewish according to halacha (Jewish law), and would not perform a marriage or bris for them, when not in that sort of situation no one spoken to has ever been treated as anything less than a full member of the community.

Clearly, acceptance into the Jewish community is an issue fraught with emotion for many people who have converted. But despite the fact that prejudices and problems still do exist for those who have chosen to be Jewish, everyone interviewed has found Ottawa to be a welcoming and largely non-judgmental Jewish community.

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Here’s the column I posted for a day once before, then realized it hadn’t actually been published and took down. Now it has been published, so I’m putting it back up. I am doing a three-part feature for our local Jewish newspaper on conversion. This first piece is a basic overview. The second one was a lot more fun, looking at why people convert. I got to ask people all kinds of personal questions. But as that one hasn’t been published yet, I have to wait to post it.

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Conversion to Judaism is as old as the religion itself, but beyond the Biblical period, it has only recently had any impact on Jewish life. That being said, in the past few decades, the impact of conversion has been significant. Opinions on it range from viewing conversion as a realistic way to help save the Jewish people from extinction to the belief that it is actually one of the primary threats to the continued survival of the religion. As with most contentious issues, the truth probably lies somewhere in between.

In biblical times, conversion was common and easy. All it required was joining a Jewish household (through marriage or as a servant) or merely deciding to be Jewish. Nothing special had to be done. The convert simply had to start behaving as a Jew and following Jewish law.

Talmudic times saw the establishment of a conversion process and ceremony. Author Lawrence J. Epstein writes in his book Conversion to Judaism that most comments in the Talmud on conversion are positive, none more so than one made by Rabbi Johanan, who said that God exiled Jews from Israel for the express purpose of increasing the number of converts. While this seems to be absurdly extreme, Epstein points out the converts must have been viewed as very valuable, to have someone use their increase as a justification for Jewish exile.

However, with the rise of Christianity and anti-Semitism (from Christians and Muslims), the Jewish view of conversion became less positive. Proselytizing and forced conversions were fundamentally un-Jewish and cast a negative light on conversion in general.

Further, with the rise of anti-Semitism, conversion to Judaism became increasingly dangerous, both to converts and the community accepting them. Those expressing a desire to convert were understandably viewed by rabbis with great suspicion.

Given that anyone converting to Judaism would have to give up their family completely and live in relative isolation with a persecuted community, and risking death to do so, it isn’t surprising that Jewish conversions were few and far between in this period.

This essentially remained the status quo until after the second World War, when Jews began to really integrate into mainstream society. With integration, we see the beginnings of the significant tread of conversion to marry someone Jewish, but also greater conversions of gentiles who were otherwise unconnected to the religion.

That’s when things got complicated.

The problem stems from the question: who is a Jew? The process of conversion itself isn’t really that difficult. The prospective converts must go in front of a beit din – a court made up of three judges. If male, he must be circumcised (and if he is already circumcised, a ritual drop of blood must be drawn). Converts must be informed of the mitzvot, and accept and agree to abide by Jewish law. Finally, they must be immersed in the mikvah.

Those are the basics. Of course, most hopeful converts are put through a course of study that varies depending on who is converting them, and must demonstrate to the beit din a satisfactory understanding and knowledge of Jewish life, holidays and traditions.

The difficulty arises between the differing branches of Judaism and how they interpret these fundamental requirements.

For the Orthodox, Jewish law and practice have remained unchanged and cannot be changed. These are the words of God and it is not the job of humans to second-guess them. Therefore, someone wishing to convert must accept the laws and do their best to follow all of them.

The other large Jewish streams – Reform, Conservatives and Reconstruction – are more liberal to differing degrees, as they all consider Jewish law (halacha) to be more flexible that the Orthodox do. From the Orthodox point-of-view, anyone converting in these movements has not been instructed properly and has not truly accepted God’s law. The conversion isn’t valid.

Of course, to further complicate the issue, the different streams of within Orthodoxy don’t necessarily agree with each other’s interpretation of halacha and won’t always accept each other’s conversions. The most extreme case of this involves the Chief Rabbinate of Israel, which currently accepts no conversion done in North America as legitimate, including those performed by Orthodox rabbis. (In contrast, the Israeli government grants all Jews by choice the right of return.)

So, who is a Jew? That entirely depends on who you ask.

The truth is, it wouldn’t really matter so much if it weren’t for the problem – many call it a crisis – of a dwindling number of Jews, primarily through intermarriage. The latest statistics show that when a Jew marries a non-Jew, only about 30 percent of their children consider themselves Jewish.

While everyone’s preferred response to this would be to have Jews simply chose to marry other Jews, that is not a realistic solution in today’s world. The liberal response is outreach. By welcoming the non-Jewish partner into synagogue life, they hope to encourage the non-Jewish partner towards conversion, or at least that any children will be raised in a more actively Jewish home.

For the Orthodox, of course, this is an invalid response, and there are some Orthodox rabbis who won’t even convert someone for the sake of marriage, as it casts doubt upon the potential convert’s sincerity.

Marriage is still the primary reason for conversion, but as we will explore in next month’s issue, there are many other motivations for choosing to becoming Jewish. And readers might be surprised to discover that even when people convert for marriage, many believe that Judaism was always their destiny and meeting the Jewish partner just made their path a little smoother.

In November’s Bulletin, we will take a look at the community response to conversion. The Torah instructs us to “love the stranger (‘ger’ – also the word for convert), for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” (Deut. 10:18-19) But there are still those who have not quite shaken off the legacy of hundreds of years of suspicions about a gentile’s desire to join the Jewish people. How welcoming is our community towards those who chose to be Jewish?

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I got the 1000-word piece in Friday morning, at 1007 words. That’s pretty good. Okay, there’s more to writing than coming in right on the word limit (or almost right on). It is often required that the writing also not suck. We’ll wait and see about that one. J thinks we’ll get flack because conversion in Judaism is a wee bit of a contentious subject and I am no expert, except that I actually did convert. I pointed out that journalists are rarely experts. We just do some research and then throw the article together with a 2-day deadline. But no doubt we’ll still piss someone off. I look forward to seeing who.

(I removed the rest of the post. See above.)

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Well, Maya is still at camp and, at last report, is still having a marvelous time. We’ve actually received four letters from her, all happy and full of detail. She seems to  have inherited her mother’s letter-writing ability.

Asher and Boo are also happily at camp – daycamp – for this week and next. My goal for these three child-free weeks was to make significant progress on the book-writing and decluttering the madhouse. The decluttering is going better than the book.

Mostly, this is the fault of the editor of our local Jewish newspaper, who asked me to fill in for a columnist who took the summer off. I guess he liked what he saw, because he then asked me to write a three-part feature for the next three papers. The first one, a general overview of converstion, is due Friday. He said, “Can you do 1000 words by Friday?” I said, “Sure!” And I can too, but it means not much happening on the blog, or the book.

And that is why it is quiet around here.

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Happy Canada Day

I had an interesting post to write, but instead I cleaned and froze a zillion hand-picked strawberries. Everyone have a good weekend!

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Yesterday we attended a good-bye picnic for Boo’s preschool. No more little kids here!

It was actually a lot of fun, as older siblings showed up and Asher had the smarts to bring his soccer ball. He ate one piece of sushi and then played soccer for 3 hours with other brothers of (not a single girl played, sigh). This soccer obsession is new this spring – he plays every recess – but I am delighted because he’s doing a typical-and-yet-healthy boy thing, and because he told me, “I suck at soccer. I’m one of the worst of my team, but I love it anyway, so I don’t care.” He also pointed out that team captains pick the players they want and then the crappy players get to just choose their team, so he always gets to be on the team he wants. That’s a new twist on being the last kid standing against the wall.

Maya’s best friend was also there, so we didn’t see her either, and of course all of Boo’s friends were there, so it was happiness all around.

While I was talking to an old friend, he asked his older son (Maya’s age) to get his little sister a piece of pizza. Older son then walked up a few moments later and thrust the plate at Dad before slumping off, rather than walk the three steps more to actually hand it to his sister. Dad sighed and made reference to my blog, and how he is always reading about how helpful Maya is with her siblings. Which got me thinking.

I don’t paint a realistic portrait of my kids, Maya in particular. While I do write about some of the funny awful things they’ve done, I mostly stick to their early years. This is intentional, although I’d love to kvetch here when my kids are being awful. But they know about my blog. At 11, Maya is quite capable of finding it herself. She is also an incredibly sensitive child and it doesn’t take much for her to decide I hate her. So the last thing I need, as she heads into adolescence, is more fodder for her to believe that, especially since lately all it takes is not allowing her to stay up an extra half an hour. Obviously I adore her, even when she’s being annoying, but I don’t think talking about her bad habits here is going to do either of us any good. So I mostly don’t.

It is an interesting dilemma, being a writer and mom, and writing about parenting. I encountered this when I started writing my column, which drew heavily on my experiences as a mom (write about what you know, right?). Later, J framed my first column for me, which pointed out in the second paragraph that while Maya was a precocious child, the other two weren’t (which was sort of a lie because Boo was too, but that didn’t fit into my argument – take note, those who believe everything they read) and now they are all perfectly normal. Seems innocuous enough, but Maya and Asher didn’t think so. “You don’t think I’m special any more?!” she interpreted. “I’m not as smart as she is?!” he interpreted.

I had a lot of explaining to do.

It is a tough problem, and I’m not the first to discuss it, I’m sure. (In fact, I remember when Anne Lamott, a writer who I adore, announced she would not longer be writing about her son Sam, whose infancy was the subject of probably her most popular book, Operating Instructions. He didn’t like it and she had to respect his feelings on the matter, which hadn’t been an issue when he was a little guy.)

On the one hand, this is my life and how I’m experiencing it. Mothering is a major part of my life and I’d like to fairly reflect my experiences. On the other hand, it is also their lives, and what right to I have to blab about their lives all over the internet?

So I’m trying to find a balance, which includes not telling about how Maya scares me with her ability to psychologically torture her brother when he does not do exactly what she wants (play her game, watch what she wants, stop singing) and how she pretty much grins evilly when she’s called on it, or says innocently, “But I was just playing the piano,” without mentioning that she was singing an accompanying song that starts, “Why is Asher always such a jerk … ”

Okay, so I told about that one. But trust me, there’s lots I don’t tell, and not necessarily because it is bad, but just because it is hers now, and not mine.

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