Posts Tagged ‘addiction’

Here’s the thing: the painkillers I took mostly didn’t do a thing for the pain I was in. Sometimes, if I took a dose then lay down in a quiet room and closed my eyes and didn’t move and the children actually left me alone, it would kick in and at that moment, all the pain would fade away. I’d lie there, half-asleep, revelling in the feeling of no pain. But then my choices were to fall asleep completely or get up and get back to my day and since falling asleep was pointless, I’d rouse myself and sit up, and the pain would come rushing back in.

Those brief moments were not worth the hassles of being dependent on narcotics, and the moment I realized that this was as good as it got, I began the process of weaning myself off of them, a process finally completely last week. I had an appointment with my doctor last Friday, and I proudly went in and handed her the unused portion of my prescriptions. She was impressed and delighted, having been working with me all this time.

I also found some of the pills in a pill container in my backpack, and when I put my hand in my jeans pocket yesterday, found a dose worth there too. As I discover them, I throw them out. But if I’m being completely honest, I’d have to admit that when I discovered the dose in my pocket, I hesitated for a moment. For a moment, I thought to myself, ‘maybe I should keep these, just in case.’ Then the sane part of my brain said, “Just in case of what, dumbass? Pain? There’s always pain, and this shit doesn’t help.” And I tossed the pills.

And being completely honest, I’d also have to admit that today I miss the pills. I ache and have ached incessently for days, and I’d love the chance for just a few moments of no pain. And without the pills, there isn’t even the chance of that, however slim it was.

So I’m very glad I got rid of those pills. And I have an even greater sympathy for people who are really addicted to drugs, for whom those drugs gave a good feeling all the time. Because if I want the stupid things just for that smallest chance and shortest feeling of no pain, it must be hell to give them up when they make you feel really good.

The irony is that I lost my interest in chocolate while I Was Out, so I can’t even temporarily drown my sorrows in a chocolate bar. I suppose I’ll go have a hot bath and read a good book.

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